So I needed to share this with someone as I had an epiphany this
morning.
Yesterday was a
little rough. I felt so dissatisfied with my job and so many aspects
of my life. I realized I really just want to find someone to share and plan my
life with and was just plagued by this fear that 1) I was going to bounce
around from job to job, never feeling satisfied and always thinking it was okay
because I hadn't found my career yet, and then realizing I was 40 in a job I
didn't like and I had wasted any and all potential and hadn't been able to
pursue my dreams and 2) that were I to follow the plan I have laid out, that it
would turn out I wasn't satisfied with it. That I would feel the same way about
THAT job as I do about the one I have now.
Needless to say I
was feeling a little hopeless.
Oddly enough, I
decided to text The Ex. It was the kind of conversation where having him listen
and give advice would actually be really helpful. Plus I felt I could do this
without attaching to him too strongly, especially because part of my
frustrations had to do with 2 guys that were NOT him (more on them later…)
But I knew he had finals, and I also know him well enough to know
that calling him while he was stressed about finals would not be good for
either of us. So I texted him and asked what his schedule looked like, and he
responded by saying he would be done Thursday. I asked how he was doing and his
response was simple: I HATE LAW SCHOOL.
Now, I know this was a lie. I know him well enough to know what
was going on in his head, so this is an abridged version of what I responded
(when I finally woke up this morning and got his text):
I don’t believe it. I think you just hate
finals, which is COMPLETELY legitimate. They’re challenging and they’re
difficult and they force us to face the possibility of failure, which is always
a terrifying thing. But this is your fourth round…and you’ve been improving so
far…and you’re that much more likely to keep improving. Which is all we can hope
for with challenging, difficult things that force us to face our shortcomings…
And then I realized that this was actually something that applied
to me. This feeling of dissatisfaction and hating my job was coming from the
same place as his hatred of finals. It was forcing me to face my shortcomings
and it’s challenging and it’s difficult.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that things I
dislike or drag my feet over come from 3 different places: fear of failure, not
rewarding, or not challenging enough. In the case of my job, it’s the fear of
failure and that it’s not rewarding. Now, it’s odd, because I know that part of
why I don’t feel my job is rewarding is because I’m not fully committing to it
because I’m afraid of failing. So I know they’re not mutually exclusive. And while
this realization doesn't completely negate my fears, it helps me keep going
through these next 3 months. I just have to recommit to the job – put all of
myself into it so I will at least feel rewarded.
Happy finals week everyone!
-PM
