The One With the Text and the Epiphany

So I needed to share this with someone as I had an epiphany this morning.

Yesterday was a little rough. I felt so dissatisfied with my job and so many aspects of my life. I realized I really just want to find someone to share and plan my life with and was just plagued by this fear that 1) I was going to bounce around from job to job, never feeling satisfied and always thinking it was okay because I hadn't found my career yet, and then realizing I was 40 in a job I didn't like and I had wasted any and all potential and hadn't been able to pursue my dreams and 2) that were I to follow the plan I have laid out, that it would turn out I wasn't satisfied with it. That I would feel the same way about THAT job as I do about the one I have now.

Needless to say I was feeling a little hopeless. 

Oddly enough, I decided to text The Ex. It was the kind of conversation where having him listen and give advice would actually be really helpful. Plus I felt I could do this without attaching to him too strongly, especially because part of my frustrations had to do with 2 guys that were NOT him (more on them later…)

But I knew he had finals, and I also know him well enough to know that calling him while he was stressed about finals would not be good for either of us. So I texted him and asked what his schedule looked like, and he responded by saying he would be done Thursday. I asked how he was doing and his response was simple: I HATE LAW SCHOOL.

Now, I know this was a lie. I know him well enough to know what was going on in his head, so this is an abridged version of what I responded (when I finally woke up this morning and got his text):

I don’t believe it. I think you just hate finals, which is COMPLETELY legitimate. They’re challenging and they’re difficult and they force us to face the possibility of failure, which is always a terrifying thing. But this is your fourth round…and you’ve been improving so far…and you’re that much more likely to keep improving. Which is all we can hope for with challenging, difficult things that force us to face our shortcomings…

And then I realized that this was actually something that applied to me. This feeling of dissatisfaction and hating my job was coming from the same place as his hatred of finals. It was forcing me to face my shortcomings and it’s challenging and it’s difficult.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that things I dislike or drag my feet over come from 3 different places: fear of failure, not rewarding, or not challenging enough. In the case of my job, it’s the fear of failure and that it’s not rewarding. Now, it’s odd, because I know that part of why I don’t feel my job is rewarding is because I’m not fully committing to it because I’m afraid of failing. So I know they’re not mutually exclusive. And while this realization doesn't completely negate my fears, it helps me keep going through these next 3 months. I just have to recommit to the job – put all of myself into it so I will at least feel rewarded.

Happy finals week everyone!

-PM

The One Where I'm Nostolgically Depressing

So here's the thing - I'm having a randomly hard time today and I'm not sure why. I realized it was exactly a year ago that I graduated from BYU. I've blundered my way through this last year and there has been so much that has changed since then. When I realized that it had been a year - an entire year - I started feeling a little weird. Then I saw this music video and it made me feel ever weirder. Even a little bit emotional.

 

So here it is - I'm going to be brave. It was exactly a year ago today that I took this picture:

 

This person was the most important person in my life. I was so glad he was there for me to share this day. We had been apart for 4 months and it had been hard, but we'd been reunited and I felt settled again. Things were still difficult (let's be honest, they were always at least a little difficult those few months) but they were back to normal. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do in life and this person played a role in that - both in advice and in the desire to be close to him. A few hours after this picture was taken, he and I went to dinner with my parents, just the four of us. We spent some time together the next day, and then that evening, after he crashed my car and I went to spend time with my family, he connected with someone he would later date while lying to me about it for 2 months. Two months. Two months where he would continue to tell me how important I was and how much he cared about me. How excited he was to see me and how he wanted to share parts of his life with me and so he wished I was with him. And then to realize that he was saying the same things to someone else. That someone was making him happy in a way I had always wanted to but always felt lacking.

 

When I think about that now it makes me sick to my stomach. I feel betrayed and hurt and confused. Even a  year later I still have this reaction. It's a confusing mix of hatred and empathy. I've come a long way since this picture. I'm living in a new city with new friends a new job and new possibilities and new people I'm interested in. I don't even talk to him anymore.

 

I do, however, think about him everyday. I miss how he made me laugh and how he knew me so well. I can't help but wonder what it would have been like to have dated him when he was ready to be happy with one person. If he had been completey honest with me from the beginning. If I was a little more mature and able to realize he brought out my crazy, and be able to articulate what I was feeling as opposed to simply reacting. If we were able to start again.

 

But I don't know if that's possible. While I've moved past much of what happened, based on my reaction I'm clearly not over it entirely. I'm sure I'll get there eventually, but until that time I'm going to be brave and say what I need to - that he hurt me. Badly. And I deserve to be with someone who won't do that. I deserve to be loved and respected by someone who both makes me laugh and challenges me to think.

 

But for today, I hurt. I hurt and there's nothing wrong with that. I also love him and miss him. And I'm trying to figure out if that's okay too. But maybe for today it doesn't matter.