Thankful

I've been feeling a lot of stress about life lately. It's come to my attention that I will not be able to make ends meet just working at the Mac Shack, so the scrambling to find a second source of income has begun. The more I crunched numbers the more stressed I became. This was compounded more fully when I thought about my professional career. Things in DC didn't look like they were going to pan out, which meant I would be in SLC until grad school in a year and a half with pretty much no professional job opportunities. So I'd be in SLC for a full year and a half with no real job, working serving positions and living pay period to pay period. My personal/love life has no real vitality at this moment, and the more I see of men my age in Utah, the more frustrated I am on that front.

But then I got to thinking. It was, of course, around the Thanksgiving season, but oddly enough that didn't influence this. I was actually checking out at Whole Foods when I had my epiphany. I was buying milk and some vitamins when I saw one of the little cards at the checkout lane that allow you to donate $5, $10, or $25 dollars to the Utah Food Bank - the $5 provides breakfast for a family, the $10 provides dinner or lunch, and the $25 provides the family with food for an entire day. Even though I was stressing about my own financial situation, I realized something. Here I was at Whole Foods, buying a carton of fresh milk that is shipped in every morning from Colorado and some multi-vitamins because I was starting a new health regime. I had just gotten back from the gym where I was able to take classes and keep my body healthy. I was driving my car, which I love and don't constantly worry about breaking down.

Monthly, I end up throwing out food because it goes bad before I have a chance to eat it. I have my own room in a cute little house that has heating and air conditioning, and a bed and a couch and a lovesac, and amazing roommates that I can go to movies with and who care about my life. I have a job that will give me Christmas off so I can spend that time with my family and provide me with at least some source of income. I have a family that invites me over for Thanksgiving and dinner and would be willing to help me if things became too tight. I have The Church. Aside from providing me a social safety net and structure to my life, it helps me with perspective and provides me with peace and happiness.

And I have you guys. Three amazing friends that I know will always be there for me, no matter what happens. Three beautiful women who are strong, smart, driven, intelligent, and just plain awesome. I realized then that while things may not have been going perfectly in my life, there were definitely more things in the good category than the bad.

So I grabbed the $10 card and made my donation. After all, I have enough.

I am blessed and I am thankful.

-PM

Hello from Reno

Hello my darlings!

I am sitting on a stuffed leather sofa surrounded by pillows and extra soft blankets--this is the good life. I brought piles of homework and work... haven't touched any of it. I was super stressed out about it a while ago, but whatever right? It's Thanksgiving break.

It's been a great trip. I've actually started to form some sort of relationship with the Mother. We've gotten along really well, and I feel like I actually have a place in this family. More on that when we're finally together again. But I haven't been stabbed or anything, so it's going well. More importantly, this trip has been really healthy for the String Bean and I. It's amazing how a relationship can blossom when you're not worried about the rents. Ya know?

I've done nothing but eat, sleep, play, kiss, and cuddle for the last week. It's been A-mazing, and I actually feel ready to get back to Provo and wrap up the semester with a bang. Which is a good thing given the fact that I have done NOTHING productive this week... okay, basically this semester. It's not my fault I'm graduating.

I saw Skyfall.. .holy freaking good movie. And Daniel Craig. Ouch. If I didn't think he was Mr. Sexy before... wow.

Okay, that's all for me. I know that this wasn't terribly exciting or anything but that's all I've got. I'm still coming out of a turkey coma.  = ) Cheers! Love you all. 

Love you all. Can't wait to be reunited! GNC out. 

And remember... Live Well. 

Brain splurge

I am positive that when I have my period, what is really coming out is my brain.

Seriously.

When I'm on my period I can't think. I don't even try to anymore. I kind of just schlup through my day, whether it's work, running errands, or working out. And yes, I just used the word schlup. There were several times at work today when I seriously had to ask people to repeat themselves. Then they did, and I still didn't understand what the hell they were saying. Pretty sure I was judged for this.

Also. I love Les Miserables. I'm currently reading the book. I'm also currently watching the 25th Anniversary Concert. The story is so good, even Nick Jonas can't ruin it entirely. However, it does make me really miss the original concert version I lost somewhere while I moved. Seriously. This story affects me in ways that I can't describe. There are certain older books that I read and I just can't get into. Most older books are that way honestly - I read them because I feel like I need to and because I can appreciate them for their literary value. But that's not what it is with this book. It's...I can't even describe it. Even though I already know the story, I know how it ends, I find myself completely drawn in. For the first time in a long time, I find myself forcing myself to stay awake to read. I think the last time I had this was reading Hunger Games or Harry Potter. Perhaps The Portrait of Dorian Gray. But still - it's been a very long time. And the story and musical make me feel...anxious...in a way that happens rarely. I say anxious only because I can't think of another way to put it. It's a mix of emotional, and antsy, almost as if I'm having withdrawals and shell-shock from it being over.

I had that same reaction when Harry Potter ended. I also had that reaction when I finished Perks of Being a Wallflower. I both love and hate it.

The Guru is in Paris now. Well...he'll be flying over the Atlantic. I think his flight left around 5. He got in first class. The brat. He's deserted me in Utah for 3 weeks. Would it be over-dramatic to say I'm actually a little worried about how those weeks are going to go? He's been my respite from a lot of negative feelings that have threatened to overcome me in the past few months. Even during campaign season when we were both really busy, I think we still managed to see each other once a week, or at least talk on the phone that often. He said I kept him sane, and he kept me from being depressed as I spent most of the day by myself in an office talking on the phone. And this last week we've seen each other almost every day. Actually, I take that back. I'm 98% certain we've hung out every day this past week,I can tell I'm developing rather strong feelings for him, but they're not romantic. He always thanks me for putting up with "his bullshit" which seems odd to me, as it's tame considering what I was used to putting up with. I'm just grateful he puts up with my ridiculous venting all the time.

It is now winter, which means my feel will not be warm again until May. I dislike this part where it's cold enough for me to freeze, but not cold enough to snow. I mean, what's up with that?! I just looked at the weather report and it's supposed to RAIN in DECEMBER. That is not okay.

Also, if you're in the mood to be mildly creeped out while entertained at the same time, go on Craigslist and look at the "strictly platonic" section. I'm pretty sure I just read an ad for someone with a foot fettish.

I'm thinking about applying for a server position up in Park City, at the Blue Iguana. it would be an hour drive each way, but I love Park City and the tips could be good. Plus I could work it and Macaroni Grill at the same time. I would honestly love the input. I'm a little unsure of how I'm going to make ends meet right now with only one job.

Anyway, I'm off to read Les Mis. Love you all!

-Jillian

I believe in term limits.

Only/still 19 days to go. I have very mixed feelings about this.

As you will have noticed, I put up about a million pictures on fb yesterday, basically spanning the whole semester. I reached the conclusion that it has been fun/crazy/wonderful/stressful/maddening/hilarious/fantastic/terrible/awkward/great/beautiful awesome, in every sense of the word. I'm trying to fight off a bit of panic at the thought of leaving this amazing city, but also there's this flood of relief that I can feel trying to break the dam. Don't know what to do about that, so I'm tabling it for another few days. Probably about 19.

Anyway, we heard from a certain very old public official from my lovely home state on Friday. There were moments while he was talking to us that I thought "Gee, he is such a great, crazy old man. I wish he was my grandfather or great uncle or something so I could listen to his crazy stories during the holidays."

Then it hit me. This crazy old man who was rambling and telling stories is the voice of my state to the government. His rhetoric was almost unbearable. The ad hominem attacks. The "us vs. them" mentality. The old fashioned, ignorant, value-laden speech. I was mildly disgusted.

The only conclusion I can draw from this: I so firmly believe in term limits. I believe there was a time when this crazy old man was just an enthusiastic man who went to bat on both sides of the aisle to accomplish things. But I also believe that that time has long passed.

The most frustrating part of all this is that I voted for him. I voted for him because I didn't want two freshman speaking for my state; I wanted someone on the Hill with some clout. That's probably how a lot of people felt, but I'm regretting that decision now. I might affiliate with a party just so that I can have some say in whether this happens in the future. Primary elections are the only way to accomplish anything back home, and our primary system sucks.

This is my life. Again, mixed feelings.

Politically/geographically/emotionally conflicted but always yours,

The Rack

P.S. - My latest time-wasting obsession: Paul Ryan "Hey Girl" memes. Here are a few gems to start your week off right.

Love you ladies!!

Once upon a time: a follow up on my sad post

So.

I'm about to make a pecan pie, but decided I wanted to write something really quickly first, as well as showing some of my favorite memes that I've collected over the last month or so:

I would like to apologize for my last post ranting about my feelings. Sometimes I just have bad days and need to vent about it somewhere. The same thing happened last night. I ended up calling The Guru and he, surprisingly, really helped me through it. I only say it was surprising because this was the first time I've reached out to him when I'm having a current emotional problem and try to talk through those feelings with him. Of course, they dealt with Confused Asshole. Which is probably why I needed a guys input on my feelings, since they were caused by a male. 

It was nice, because, at one point in the conversation, completely unsolicited, The Guru said "I know you were an amazing girlfriend and friend to him. There wouldn't be many girls who would actually stick around after that, most of them would have run."

I'm not sharing this to be self-gratifying or to toot my own horn. It was just some unexpected kindness that ended up making me feel better about the particular situation at hand. Which caused me to come to a realization: I need to date someone - not to like, have a deep meaningful relationship, but just so I can relearn what it's like to date someone, like, date a NORMAL person. Where they're nice to you. However, I still know I'm not ready to date someone in a serious way. That would just be too much right now. But dating someone for like, 3 months and breaking it off before there's too much commitment?  Totally doable.

I want to be this cow

The other thing that brought this to light - the realization that I've been (for lack of a better word) trained to expect the person I'm with to not be all that nice to me - occurred yesterday. We were driving and were at a stop light. I had handed Guru my phone because I was attempting to get him to say something in a gay man voice and he would only do it if he had my phone so he knew I wasn't recording it. In the middle of me telling him the voice had been better before and laughing at him, the light traffic starts moving in front of us. Because we were in his car, and it's a manual, he drops my phone, and swears as he tries to get his car into gear, and ends up stalling on a steep hill, plus the car makes these kind of terrible sounds. I of course, feel horrible as he was distracted because of me. I apologized because had this been with Confused Asshole he would have been upset with me for the situation. Guru responds with "why are you apologizing? It totally wasn't your fault." Needless to say, I was a little shocked. This had happened once before when I'd interrupted him giving directions to a group of tourists, I apologized and he genuinely seemed surprised I thought there was something to apologize for. I didn't realize until later, with both situations, that I apologized because I'd been conditioned to do so through my previous relationship.

This is the update on the situation. This is my life.

I hope you enjoyed the memes. Because I think they're awesome. 

Toodles! Hope you have a fabulous Sabbath!

-PM 

Strength

This post is dedicated to powering forward in those most uncertain moments: uncertainty in yourself, in others, in your future, in life. Someone wise once told me, when you reach the point where the light no longer extends, it is often necessary to step into the dark and wait for the light to follow. If it does not retreat. Find a new direction, but if the light follows--and more often than not it does--march forward until you reach that darkness, that uncertain moment again, you will make it. One. Step. At. A. Time. 

Independence of mind or strength of character is rarely found among those who cannot be confident that they will make their way by their own effort. -Hayek

GNC
Live Well 

In defense of my (temporary) profession

There was a commentator on CNN last night who was talking about how Obama's campaign had really honed in on microtargeting and perfected the art since Bush used it in '04, and how this is one of the reasons Obama won. This is only partially true.

Yes, the Obama campaign used microtargeting. Yes, Bush used microtargeting in '04 (the president and CEO of my firm was the guy who did Bush's microtargeting - legit). But no, Obama has not perfected the art, and no, this is not why he won.

Microtargeting on the conservative side is still more sophisticated. The president of my firm literally invented it, and we've made huge strides with it since the Bush campaign. The dem/liberal microtargeting groups are just getting into things. They're good, but don't give them too much credit.

Obama won because his ground game has been more developed and more active throughout the campaign, and because Republicans couldn't sway minority voters. I could go on for hours about both of these points - we did today in my office - but I'll spare you the rants.

All of that being said, what a roller coaster ride this has all been! Let's hope for the best for the next four years. Condi 2016?! Haha...

Much love and consolation where applicable. Also, perhaps this?

- The Rack

Political Ponderings - In Real Time!

I'm taking up my old "study" habit of blogging my thoughts in "real time." I'm not sure why I love "quotation marks" so much, but whatever. Ya'll get to deal with it.

7:45 - 15 minutes until exit polls and the early voting tally is released, meaning 15 minutes until I have to start entering the information into the giant spreadsheet. I'm currently sitting in The Candidates room of the state GOP victory party, being bathed in a sea of awkward and orange. The more I listen to the conversations around me, the more I realize I can never, I repeat, NEVER be a Republican in a state like this. It pains me to hear some of the - forgive the judgmental and insensitive terms - stupid, ignorant, and close-minded things that are being said. I understand that the people who are drawn to volunteering on campaigns are those that tend to be extreme, just like those that are drawn to vote in the primaries are the same way (hence the seeming bias to extremes in our electoral system). I guess I had hoped that campaign staffers would at the very least tramp out this kind of offensive vulgarity as opposed to not just allowing it, but encourage it by laughing along.

7:51 - I'm finally come to terms with the fact that I will NOT HAVE TO MAKE ANY MORE CALLS!! This excites me greatly. While I understand the purpose of making calls and know that it is effective, doing so for 12 hours a day can be a little draining.

7:53 - 3 minutes until results. And one of the campaign guys who had asked me out previously came up and talked to me. Awkward.

7:58 - Just realized I'm facing the wrong way at the table. Crap.

8:02 - It's getting really uncomfortable. Thinking I probably need to swing my chair around so I can see results too.

8:04 - Attempting to turn chair around. Unfortunately person in suit has hands on the back and is leaning on it *releasing awkward uncomfortable sounds* Also, the polls aren't updating, dammit!

8:06 - First poll in. It shows The Opponent leading with 0.00% of the precincts reporting. I'm not even sure how that happens.

8:09 - Also...people smell.

8:10 - Things aren't looking good for Romney. Can't say I'm surprised. If the election had taken place this time two weeks ago it might have been a different story. Unfortunately it allowed Obama's supporters to regroup and for him to make a favorable impression on the 12 undecideds left in the country. Oh well, c'est la vie. Unseating an incumbent is difficult and always a long shot. Definitely not the end of the world.

8:29 - Uploading soooooo slowly. Apparently the only parts of The State reporting are in The Big One and One-one-with-the-Rope-Swing counties, so it's not shocking he's ahead. However, the College Exit poll had The Opponent winning by 3%. That is not encouraging. Though I'm fairly certain that would be considered in the margin of error, so not something to start completely freaking out about.

8:35 - I'm a little sad. CNN has the Rep I wanted to win in Mass. 6th District falling behind. I think it would be awesome to have an openly gay Republican in Congress.

8:37  - So. Bored. And It's looking to be a close one, which means I'll be here all night. I'm going to shoot myself. I'm not in a position to mingle or talk with these people, so I'll just sit here awkwardly. Pretending I'm not here. I feel like I'm quite good at that, actually. Years and years of practicing the "eff-off" look. It's a skill, I tell you!

8:46 - Apparently my "eff-off" doesn't work as well as I thought. I'm guessing it's the computer and the look of concentration I have on my face. I've now had three separate people come by to look at figures for the race over my shoulder.

8:50 - Make that 5. Apparently word is spreading. I'm the cool kid now. Which sucks. Because I didn't even get any of the food before it ran out, so how does this work in my favor?

8:56 - I just realized I haven't eaten since 9:30 this morning. ...I wonder if Jimmy Johns delivers to the Hilton...

8:59 - Also, if we have to do a recount in this race, I am NOT working tomorrow. I have a massage that I need to attend. And I must say,  for being politically involved, these people seem a little slow when it comes to the results. Maybe I'm just weird because I get three different email updates whenever a state is called in the general and I know how to monitor election results and I do not like to wait for them. I like to find out as soon as possible.Yeah, we'll go with me being the freak in this.

9:13 - From the cheers on the TV and the groans in the room, I'm assuming that Obama just sewed up the election. People are suddenly very lackluster here. Between that news and the sad figures coming out of the 4th District, I think people are a little disheartened.

9:27 - Our race continues to not look all that good. While we're gaining on him slightly, it's not enough to close the gap. I'm just hoping when The Conservative county comes in it helps us out. However, my candidate in Massachusetts is looking like he might pull it out! He's only 3500 behind right now - about 1%!

9:38 - I lied. He's down by 2% now. Will nothing to right for me today?! Mia seems to be consistently behind by 4-5,000 as well. That being said, one of the girls I know from the County Republicans brought me a plate of nachos, so typing is easier now that I'm not shaking as much.

10:13 - I've now officially been the computer of choice for 3 separate members of the campaign. I also had a lovely conversation by a lady who worked in DC with the CIA for six years. She was pretty legit.

10:41 - Still not looking good. I'm honestly beginning to fear the worst, that there won't be a recount at all, but that he'll win outright. I'm not even sure what that would mean as I haven't allowed myself to think that that was a possibility.

10:54 - The using of my computer is getting a little ridiculous now. People are just coming over and looking at it and touching it, like it's been provided there for them. I'm sorry, it hasn't. I don't know why they haven't, why the campaign didn't think to have some kind of projector or computer where the results would be displayed.

10:56 - Listening to Romney's concession speech. Really, Republicans? Romney says he hopes Obama will be divinely led as President and you refuse to clap?! Do you really hate Obama that much? If so, that's a serious problem. Have a problem with his politics, but you need to respect him as a person and as your president who was elected by citizens, just like you. Especially when your candidate is bowing out in such a gracious way.

11:13 - A bunch of votes came in at once. Unless something drastic happens in the last 90 precincts, it's looking like it will most likely go into a recount.

11:30 - My eyes are about to burn out of my head. I think we're one of the few races still waiting, though they may not have called the county mayoral race yet, though I'm 90% certain the D will win. Which I approve of.

11:37 - One of my friends just wrote this as her Facebook status: "How are your results not in yet Florida? NY got it in and they just had a hurricane! Get your shit together." I feel like it's obvious why she and I are friends.

11:50 - D WINS!!! Well, at least there's one vote I cast in a winning direction :)

11:52 - Pretty sure my eyes are as red as my lips/blazer/jacket right now. Also, I can't help but wonder where Mia is. She was only down here at the very beginning, at 8, and I haven't seen her since then. Interesting choice.

11:56 - My battery is going to die on my computer in a half hour. If I'm still here when that happens I'm going to die with it.

12:06 - Final tally. The Opponent won by roughly 2,800 votes. I'm not sure what to do. I'm just stunned.

12:18 - News conference time. Gather up and hear the concession speech...

12:55 - Currently sitting at home, pondering the last few months of my life. Crazy.

I'm an Invisible Disaster

Do you remember when the walls fell?

Do you remember the sound that the door made when you closed it on me?

Do you know that I went down to the ground,

Landed on both my broken-hearted knees?

I didn't even cry because pieces of me had already died

I'm a ghost haunting these halls

Climbing up walls that I never knew were there

And I'm lost

Broken down the middle of my heart

I'm broken down the middle of my heart

You know you make me a ghost. You make me a ghost

I'm an invisible disaster

I keep trying to walk but my feet don't find the solid ground

It's like living in a bad dream

I keep trying to scream, but my tongue has finally lost its sound

I've got to say goodbye to the pieces of me that have already died

I'm a ghost haunting these halls

Climbing these walls that I never knew were there

And I'm lost

Broken down the middle of my heart

I'm broken down the middle of my heart

You know you make me a ghost (you take the breath all away from me, you take it away)

You make me a ghost

I don't cry

I don't try anymore

I'm a ghost, I'm a ghost

And I'm lost

Broken down the middle of my heart

I'm broken down the middle

I'm a ghost haunting these halls

Climbing up walls that I never knew were there

And I'm lost

Broken down the middle of my heart

I'm broken down the middle of my heart

You know you make me a ghost

You know you make me a ghost

This song describes me right now. I wish it didn't, but it does. I'm not sure what to do about it. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy, like I'm stuck in a room where everything keeps spinning and I'm standing in the middle of it, trying to find my sense of balance, not get swept away, and to not fall over while I grasp for something that will show me what the truth is, what it all meant and why I let it happen for so long. I can't do it yet. I'm trying, and I know I'll be able to find the ground eventually, but now is not that time. Now is the time when the best I can do is push through and try to keep going through life with a smile on my face and attempt to limit the damage control I have to do later. 

I hate it. I hate that there are times when I wish I could go back to April, back before my reality caved in and I could live in a world of ignorance. Safe, happy ignorance. I hate that there are still songs I can't listen to and restaurants I can't go into without feeling like the wind has been knocked out of me a little bit. I hate that I'm afraid to go back to work downtown and relive the experiences we had there. I hate when I realize that I can't do "our" things together anymore, like see the lights on temple square, or go to Beans and Brew for our cookies. And I hate that I miss him still. That there are days when I wish I could just call him and we could go for a walk and he could hug me and make things better. I hate that he knows all of my insecurities and knew what to say to make them seem so insignificant.

In many ways I'm frustrated and worried because I don't know if it's getting better. I miss him now more than I did last month, and I missed him more then than I did the month before. I unwillingly think of him more often than I did then as well. Little things set me off now that didn't before - the dress I wore at graduation and to the dinner at Chef's Table to celebrate, where he cried when he told me how much he cared about me and how important I was in his life; the iPod he gave me that I keep stored in my car; him popping up anywhere in any type of social media. Each time it feels like I've been hit in the stomach - not hard, just enough to make you catch your breath. 

I'm falling to pieces. The only things that keeps me from breaking down and talking to him is knowing that it would only result in more pain for me - the realization that he doesn't miss me as much as I miss him, or even in the same way. That he'd be bugged I reached out to him in such a sentimental, caring way. And that while he's put out that I'm not in his life anymore, filling that space that I did previously, he's gotten used to it and adapted. 

And I hate that I can't be that way. I'm still here, trying to catch my balance, righting the world back into this new reality I've found myself thrust in to, all the while going on in life as if I'm a functioning member of society.

I'm an invisible disaster.

-PM