I would like to preface this by saying that I feel like I've done a good job up until now of holding my shit together. I mean, I'm in a new place, away from all my friends and family with no idea of when I will see them again, I'm in a new job with an indefinite future and indefinite professional prospects, living with a bunch of people that I can't be completely comfortable around and who are fairly transient so as to not inspire horrible amount of confiding confidence, and I'm realizing more and more that I'm also in a transient phase - in theory this if just a gap year, between when I graduated and when I go back and get my Master's degree.
So why the hell did I move out here?
One of my friends tried to say that we get a sense of fulfillment just by surviving out here, that making it day to day is a victory. But I don't feel that way. I want to go lay out by the lake and eat pineapple and get tan and run through the mountains. I want to stay up late and have stimulating conversations. I want to be the recipient of a hug that drains the unhappiness from me and makes me feel secure and like I don't have to be strong. I want to snuggle someone while I watch a movie and not worry about if they're comfortable with it or if they're reading into it more than they should or that they're not enjoying the movie. I just want to be happy with someone and be fulfilled by them. And this isn't even romantic. I just crave companionship. I have no one out here who makes me happy enough. No one that doesn't leave me feeling wanting - the missing parts are more apparent than the parts that are fulfilled.
I miss my Ex. I hate that fact and I hate admitting it. So much. I feel so weak when I say it, like one of those battered women that don't realize how poisonous their relationships are. But I miss that he and I were so comfortable together. That we had so much fun and he cared about me and my future and that he was willing to sit and listen to me and help me understand what I was thinking and feeling and that he knew me so well. He honestly knew so much about me - I showed him some of my deepest fears and insecurities and he accepted that and he loved me. Unfortunately, that last part is what allowed him to manipulate me the way I did. I realize he did it only to avoid his own guilt and to side-step the fear he was feeling. But still. I trusted him and he abused that. Yet he made me happy in ways that I didn't know I could be happy. He gave me the thought that I could be that happy with one person. Now I don't even have a conglomerate of people nearby that can make me that happy. Where I was 4 months ago, I did. In fact, the conglomerate of people I had around me made me happier than I was with the Ex.
So here I sit, financially strapped, professionally unfulfilled, and personally and emotionally starved. There's no real end in sight here. I'm just...existing. Floating. Aimless. Wandering. Torn between different possibilities and unsure of what I'm supposed to be doing or where I'm supposed to go. I'm 25 and have no discernible end goal or plan on how to get there. I vacillate between emptiness and anxiety. Sometimes with a little peppering of failure.
I don't know. I'm unsure of what my life will look like in a few months or where I'll be. I'm not even sure what I will be doing in the next 4 weeks.
I'm just trying to make it through without losing it and ruining any political ambitions I might have later on in life. I don't know. I'm just...meh
I'm done.
PM out.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Saturday, February 16, 2013
The one where I waste a whole day...
So I'm watching Pitch Perfect for about the millionth time right now rather than working/studying/cleaning/showering/etc. I guess it's a good thing there's nothing on Monday so I can play catch-up. I don't anticipate any shifts in my motivational trend in the near future. If it's any excuse, I'm pretty sure I'm PMSing, because I'm majorly tearing up during the Bellas' final song.
Side note, why are the guys that sing "The Final Countdown" wearing weird bathrobes? Am I missing a joke there?
I don't honestly have that much to say, but I've been such a failure at blogging since I've been home that I felt compelled to write something. I do think I could use some advice...
I need money. I'm burning through my savings at a slightly alarming rate and I just don't work enough to bring home the bacon. It's not that I can't get research hours - there's plenty to do - it's just that when my job feels a lot like school, it's hard to prioritize my job over homework/exams that have more definite deadlines. Suggestions? Times like these I really miss being a TA, where office hours generally meant doing homework and answering the question of the occasional student.
And I know the holiday is technically over, but I thought these were pretty brilliant on the RNC's part - gopvalentine.com
Love you ladies.
Side note, why are the guys that sing "The Final Countdown" wearing weird bathrobes? Am I missing a joke there?
I don't honestly have that much to say, but I've been such a failure at blogging since I've been home that I felt compelled to write something. I do think I could use some advice...
I need money. I'm burning through my savings at a slightly alarming rate and I just don't work enough to bring home the bacon. It's not that I can't get research hours - there's plenty to do - it's just that when my job feels a lot like school, it's hard to prioritize my job over homework/exams that have more definite deadlines. Suggestions? Times like these I really miss being a TA, where office hours generally meant doing homework and answering the question of the occasional student.
And I know the holiday is technically over, but I thought these were pretty brilliant on the RNC's part - gopvalentine.com
Love you ladies.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Thursday, February 7, 2013
The One Where I Talk About Gun Control
*dun, dun dun!!*
There is one thing every Hill staffer knows – brace
yourselves when Fox or MSNBC start using certain buzzwords. These buzzwords
include amnesty, gun control, impeachment, treason, war on women, rape, voter fraud, immigration, conspiracy, Constitution, rights, attacks on the 1st, 2nd, 4th, 14th, amendments etc. When we hear these things, we as staffers man the shutters, screen our calls, and try and send
the interns on as few errands as possible so someone besides me will
be free to pick up the phone for the umpteenth time that day.
This round of gun control will be no different.
It’s interesting. I can tell what each major news channel
is saying based on the things the constituents say back to me. For example,
what I hear the most of now is how Obama is going to “take our machine guns” as
if President Obama himself, robed in a black suit, black tie, and the dead of
night is going to get in to his black Ford Escalade and watch as Federal
Agents slip stealthily over state borders, thereby rounding-up
and confiscating all guns - and possibly bows and arrows - while innocent citizens huddle together,
quaking in their nightclothes, powerless to do anything as they are stripped of
the only thing that will protect them from the physical threats they are (apparently)
constantly endangered by.
I,
clearly, find this ridiculous. Mostly because I listened to President Obama’s
address as opposed to hearing soundbites and interpretations of it on one of
the (especially skewed) cable news networks.
I can
also tell which side of the aisle is playing the most defense by who is calling
me the most. In this case it’s conservatives. Though it really does change
depending on the issue. When voter registration issues arise though, it tends
to be liberals who call me more. Their rights are being infringed on! As if
some cigar-chomping Republican is sitting by the voter line in a $5,000 suit,
pointing his goons at any Latino/women/African-American who will vote for the
opposition candidate. The goons, of course, will then take their military-style
AK-47s and intimidate said minority into leaving the voting line. (By the way,
there are bigger concerns with voting than just voter ID people. But that’s a
blog for another time.)
Oddly
enough, in both of these cases, their inflammatory cry is the same: “THIS IS MY
CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT!! MY CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS ARE BEING INFRINGED UPON!!!”
And
it’s true. In both cases. At least in my opinion (which is solely my opinion
and not influenced by any policymaker. Nor does it reflect the views of any
professor or politician I have worked for, been associated with, or have
associated with in any social media outlet. Heck. I don’t think it even
reflects the views of my parents.)
You’re
right. The right to vote is a right
given to all citizens in the Constitution. As long as they’re over 18. And you’re
right as well. The 2nd Amendment does discuss the right to bear and
keep arms. Of course at that time they’d never even imagined a weapon that could discharge more than one bullet at a
time, but whatever.
So
why don’t we link the two issues together? Liberals want looser voter
regulations, conservatives want looser gun regulations. Both are rights
guaranteed in the Constitution and both are rights we've been forced to regulate
as time as shown a handful of citizens cannot be trusted to use those rights
correctly, to the harm of others.
For
example – conservatives want a national voting database. Great. I say do it.
But we’ll have a national gun registry as well. Most places already have a
statewide voter data base, so at the very least, a person should be forced to
re-register their gun with the state whenever they change states/cities. If a
person wants to exercise their Constitutional right to own a gun they’ll have
to register it, just like a person has to register to exercise their
Constitutional right to vote.
Likewise,
liberals want background checks and waiting periods before people are allowed
to purchase a gun. Great. But let’s put in mandatory pre-registration deadlines
for all people registering to vote. And also let’s have an ID requirement as
well, since that’s a less stringent version of a background check. I’d even be
all for lowering the price of ID cards, or allowing each person to receive one
free ID card upon their 18th birthday, just as long as they follow
the regular protocol for identification. And yes, some citizens may slip through the cracks of this process and be denied their right to vote, but requiring mental health checks may deny some people who will do absolutely no harm to others the right to protect themselves - something the 2nd amendment was meant for as well.
The fact is, the best way to avoid mass-shootings as well as voter-ID-fraud will be to educate people. Educate people to love people with mental disabilities, not to alienate them and create situations where a mass-shooting seems like the truly logical option. Educate people about how important it is to vote, and vote responsibly as well as what proper voting protocol should be like so they can't be duped. There are always going to be people who want to abuse the rights we have. And yes, where our rights begin is where someone else's rights end. So sometimes protecting our rights means we have to sacrifice a little and give up something we believe to accommodate what we believe is equally important.
Take it or leave it, our rights are our rights. Whether it's guns, life, or voting, what applies to one should apply to the other. No right should be more important than any other.
And so it goes. I will keep avoiding the phone, and then nodding and making sympathetic noises when it can't be avoided and the person on the other line quotes either Sean Hannity or Rachel Maddow. And I will bite my tongue. Because not everyone is as forward thinking as we are.
-Paul Mitchell
Take it or leave it, our rights are our rights. Whether it's guns, life, or voting, what applies to one should apply to the other. No right should be more important than any other.
And so it goes. I will keep avoiding the phone, and then nodding and making sympathetic noises when it can't be avoided and the person on the other line quotes either Sean Hannity or Rachel Maddow. And I will bite my tongue. Because not everyone is as forward thinking as we are.
-Paul Mitchell
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)