I would like to preface this by saying that I feel like I've done a good job up until now of holding my shit together. I mean, I'm in a new place, away from all my friends and family with no idea of when I will see them again, I'm in a new job with an indefinite future and indefinite professional prospects, living with a bunch of people that I can't be completely comfortable around and who are fairly transient so as to not inspire horrible amount of confiding confidence, and I'm realizing more and more that I'm also in a transient phase - in theory this if just a gap year, between when I graduated and when I go back and get my Master's degree.
So why the hell did I move out here?
One of my friends tried to say that we get a sense of fulfillment just by surviving out here, that making it day to day is a victory. But I don't feel that way. I want to go lay out by the lake and eat pineapple and get tan and run through the mountains. I want to stay up late and have stimulating conversations. I want to be the recipient of a hug that drains the unhappiness from me and makes me feel secure and like I don't have to be strong. I want to snuggle someone while I watch a movie and not worry about if they're comfortable with it or if they're reading into it more than they should or that they're not enjoying the movie. I just want to be happy with someone and be fulfilled by them. And this isn't even romantic. I just crave companionship. I have no one out here who makes me happy enough. No one that doesn't leave me feeling wanting - the missing parts are more apparent than the parts that are fulfilled.
I miss my Ex. I hate that fact and I hate admitting it. So much. I feel so weak when I say it, like one of those battered women that don't realize how poisonous their relationships are. But I miss that he and I were so comfortable together. That we had so much fun and he cared about me and my future and that he was willing to sit and listen to me and help me understand what I was thinking and feeling and that he knew me so well. He honestly knew so much about me - I showed him some of my deepest fears and insecurities and he accepted that and he loved me. Unfortunately, that last part is what allowed him to manipulate me the way I did. I realize he did it only to avoid his own guilt and to side-step the fear he was feeling. But still. I trusted him and he abused that. Yet he made me happy in ways that I didn't know I could be happy. He gave me the thought that I could be that happy with one person. Now I don't even have a conglomerate of people nearby that can make me that happy. Where I was 4 months ago, I did. In fact, the conglomerate of people I had around me made me happier than I was with the Ex.
So here I sit, financially strapped, professionally unfulfilled, and personally and emotionally starved. There's no real end in sight here. I'm just...existing. Floating. Aimless. Wandering. Torn between different possibilities and unsure of what I'm supposed to be doing or where I'm supposed to go. I'm 25 and have no discernible end goal or plan on how to get there. I vacillate between emptiness and anxiety. Sometimes with a little peppering of failure.
I don't know. I'm unsure of what my life will look like in a few months or where I'll be. I'm not even sure what I will be doing in the next 4 weeks.
I'm just trying to make it through without losing it and ruining any political ambitions I might have later on in life. I don't know. I'm just...meh
I'm done.
PM out.
No comments:
Post a Comment