I'm an Invisible Disaster

Do you remember when the walls fell?

Do you remember the sound that the door made when you closed it on me?

Do you know that I went down to the ground,

Landed on both my broken-hearted knees?

I didn't even cry because pieces of me had already died

I'm a ghost haunting these halls

Climbing up walls that I never knew were there

And I'm lost

Broken down the middle of my heart

I'm broken down the middle of my heart

You know you make me a ghost. You make me a ghost

I'm an invisible disaster

I keep trying to walk but my feet don't find the solid ground

It's like living in a bad dream

I keep trying to scream, but my tongue has finally lost its sound

I've got to say goodbye to the pieces of me that have already died

I'm a ghost haunting these halls

Climbing these walls that I never knew were there

And I'm lost

Broken down the middle of my heart

I'm broken down the middle of my heart

You know you make me a ghost (you take the breath all away from me, you take it away)

You make me a ghost

I don't cry

I don't try anymore

I'm a ghost, I'm a ghost

And I'm lost

Broken down the middle of my heart

I'm broken down the middle

I'm a ghost haunting these halls

Climbing up walls that I never knew were there

And I'm lost

Broken down the middle of my heart

I'm broken down the middle of my heart

You know you make me a ghost

You know you make me a ghost

This song describes me right now. I wish it didn't, but it does. I'm not sure what to do about it. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy, like I'm stuck in a room where everything keeps spinning and I'm standing in the middle of it, trying to find my sense of balance, not get swept away, and to not fall over while I grasp for something that will show me what the truth is, what it all meant and why I let it happen for so long. I can't do it yet. I'm trying, and I know I'll be able to find the ground eventually, but now is not that time. Now is the time when the best I can do is push through and try to keep going through life with a smile on my face and attempt to limit the damage control I have to do later. 

I hate it. I hate that there are times when I wish I could go back to April, back before my reality caved in and I could live in a world of ignorance. Safe, happy ignorance. I hate that there are still songs I can't listen to and restaurants I can't go into without feeling like the wind has been knocked out of me a little bit. I hate that I'm afraid to go back to work downtown and relive the experiences we had there. I hate when I realize that I can't do "our" things together anymore, like see the lights on temple square, or go to Beans and Brew for our cookies. And I hate that I miss him still. That there are days when I wish I could just call him and we could go for a walk and he could hug me and make things better. I hate that he knows all of my insecurities and knew what to say to make them seem so insignificant.

In many ways I'm frustrated and worried because I don't know if it's getting better. I miss him now more than I did last month, and I missed him more then than I did the month before. I unwillingly think of him more often than I did then as well. Little things set me off now that didn't before - the dress I wore at graduation and to the dinner at Chef's Table to celebrate, where he cried when he told me how much he cared about me and how important I was in his life; the iPod he gave me that I keep stored in my car; him popping up anywhere in any type of social media. Each time it feels like I've been hit in the stomach - not hard, just enough to make you catch your breath. 

I'm falling to pieces. The only things that keeps me from breaking down and talking to him is knowing that it would only result in more pain for me - the realization that he doesn't miss me as much as I miss him, or even in the same way. That he'd be bugged I reached out to him in such a sentimental, caring way. And that while he's put out that I'm not in his life anymore, filling that space that I did previously, he's gotten used to it and adapted. 

And I hate that I can't be that way. I'm still here, trying to catch my balance, righting the world back into this new reality I've found myself thrust in to, all the while going on in life as if I'm a functioning member of society.

I'm an invisible disaster.

-PM